You add extra syllables to words. I don’t know why. You just do. It’s not a monkey, it’s a monkey-monk. It’s not a duck, it’s a duck duck. Milk becomes milkie. You get the idea.
You come up with overly cutesy nicknames for your baby that you wouldn’t dare use in public. But how can you help it if your baby just IS the snuffliest snuggliest tickly wickly sweetie pops in the whole entire world?
You talk about yourself in the third person. “Mummy is just washing her hands”, “Mummy is just going to clean the sick off of your ear”, “Mummy’s just asking Dr Google if your poo really should be that colour”…You’ll be sick of the sound of your own voice, you really will.
In the name of entertainment, you will look like a fool. Trying to catch a cry before it starts may mean marching up and down alongside your baby singing ‘The Grand Old Duke of York’ complete with over enunciation and overenthusiastic arm movements.
Nursery rhymes are your new ear worm. Forget the Top 40, you can’t get these things out of your head. You will find yourself humming them, muttering them… or worse, rapping them and rewriting the words in a more adult way. Incy Wincy Spider becomes ‘Monster B*stard Spider’, for example. Just don’t share those lyrics with the rest of your baby group…
You tell lies for reasons you could never have invented. “Oh” someone says, “Is that cradle cap?” “Yes it is, I’ve literally tried everything” you reply, as you surreptitiously brush the rest of your morning croissant flakes from your baby’s head.
Tell me I’m not alone in my madness?!